RELEASE the Person You Pretend to Be! | Marisa Peer & Scott Thomas

What happens when you've spent your whole life earning love and you finally realise you were enough all along? In this raw and powerful conversation, Marisa Peer sits down with Scott Thomas, reality TV star, entrepreneur, and founder of the True Self movement, to uncover how losing his father at six, becoming the "golden child," and hiding behind an alter ego led him into addiction, gambling, and years of running from himself.

Together they trace how a six-year-old boy made sense of an absent father by deciding "I'm not enough," how that belief drove him to chase recognition through nightlife, drugs, alcohol, and a Love Island spotlight, and what happened when he finally went sober and met "little Scott" again. Marisa breaks down why children always take ownership of pain, how the word "trying" guarantees failure, and why your brain is a proof-making robot that will prove whatever you tell it, good or bad.

Whether you're trapped in hustle culture, hiding behind a version of yourself that isn't real, or still trying to earn the love you were born deserving, this conversation will show you that your authentic self is your superpower and that safety, not success, is the real thing your brain is searching for.

This video is part of Marisa Peer's series of conversations with world-class experts in personal development, mindset, and wellbeing.

Marisa Peer is a world-renowned therapist, global speaker, bestselling author and leading authority on mindset and transformational therapy. With over 40 years' experience working with CEOs, celebrities and Olympic athletes, she is the creator of Rapid Transformational Therapy® (RTT®), has trained almost 20,000 practitioners worldwide, and is founder of the global I Am Enough movement to help people build confidence and self-worth.

*Chapters:*
[0:00] Introduction
[0:55] Meet Scott Thomas: from addict to self-development advocate
[1:48] When did you start believing you weren't enough?
[4:14] Why his dad disappeared for six whole years
[6:40] Why a child always blames themselves: "My dad doesn't see me because..."
[9:05] Ten years of therapy with the same therapist
[9:36] Going sober and reconnecting with "little Scott"
[14:57] His dad died at his house, processing a lifetime of loss
[17:46] The first kiss rejection that shaped his fear of intimacy
[19:18] Love Island, fame, and finally being seen
[22:11] "All my life I was chasing recognition because I didn't feel enough"
[24:40] How one £1,000 casino win triggered a gambling spiral
[26:20] Why feeling different as a child makes connection terrifying
[29:01] GCSE results day: the dangerous link between grades and love
[30:19] Stop chasing, start choosing, letting go to receive more
[32:09] "Being this Scott is my moon landing"
[35:22] The lost boys: masculinity, gangs, and fatherless sons
[37:00] Scottish Special: the alter ego he hid behind
[39:38] Finding and fathering his inner child
[41:06] "I am not my thoughts," separating from the loop
[43:07] Why the word "trying" guarantees failure
[45:37] Your brain is a proof-making robot, what are you telling it?
[48:07] The rifle team study: why visualisation beats practice
[51:06] Your potential expands as you move toward it
[55:58] The brain only knows "right now," how to use that
[59:26] Why 80% beats perfection every time
[1:02:08] Balance: the tattoo, the middle lane, and making "being" sexy
[1:03:07] "I'm enough and I'm safe," the only belief you need
[1:05:16] Be an arrow, not a bow: you can never go back
[1:06:15] Why you should never call growth "work"

Connect with Scott Thomas:
Instagram: @scottthomasofficial

*Connect with Marisa Peer:*
Website: https://www.marisapeer.com
Buy Your Mind Your Rules: https://smarturl.it/u3hAnQ
Instagram: @marisapeertherapy
Learn more about Rapid Transformational Therapy® and Training at: https://www.rtt.com

#ScottThomas #MarisaPeer #InnerChild #Addiction #SelfWorth #TrueSelf #IAmEnough #Sobriety #Gambling #MentalHealth #Masculinity #LoveIsland #HealingJourney #PersonalDevelopment #Mindset #SelfLove #LimitingBeliefs #ProofMakingRobot #HustleCulture #Vulnerability #SelfAwareness #AddictionRecovery

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

I was living what looked like the dream, but in order to be comfortable in that dream, I had to drink myself into oblivion and take lots of drugs.

SPEAKER_00 0:06

So you had the drinking, the drinking, and the drugs, but then when did the gambling come into the mix?

SPEAKER_03 0:10

It started from when I won a thousand pounds from 20 quid. And the feeling was euphoric. From that moment onwards, I was never happy with a small win. What was that like? It was one of the darkest times of my life because no one knew about it. All my life I was chasing recognition because I didn't feel enough. I didn't love myself.

SPEAKER_00 0:27

But you do now?

SPEAKER_03 0:28

I do now. Because I've actually realized now that being my authentic self is the superpower. Like being this Scott that I am today sat in front of you is my moon landing. So when I went sober again, it's almost like I went back to little Scott. This is the first time in a long time. And I think that's because I've done the work and I actually love myself now. I remember this one moment where it sounds so daft now, but I was driving home from work and I could go to my brother's house where all the kids were and he was and everything else, or I could go home on my own. But I decided to go home that night and all the shit started coming to the surface, everything I've been running from.

SPEAKER_00 0:59

So I'm here today to talk to someone who I've been following for a while, Scott Thomas. And you've had quite a journey from being an addict. You said you were addicted to drugs, alcohol, and gambling, and now you're very much into self-development. So we're going to talk about the rules of your mind and how they took you down the wrong path and how you managed to flip and go on the right path. Let's not at the beginning. I've looked at some of your clips and you talk a lot about not being enough. Also talk about little Scott, which I really like. So tell me, you know, there isn't a baby on the planet who's born believing they're not enough. That's just not possible. Even babies who are taken away from their parents at birth still know they're enough. So if you look at your life, when did you begin to believe that you were not enough? How old were you? And what was going on?

SPEAKER_03 1:48

Oh, so I didn't even realise growing up that I didn't feel enough. I think it's when I've done the work. I've done like 10 years of therapy now myself.

SPEAKER_00 1:56

Ten years, right? Yeah. So I was. Is that talk therapy? Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_03 1:59

So I've been doing it for a long time and um kind of analysing why I am the way I am and everything else. And I've always been a real high achiever. Um and I think when I was young, I remember it like it was yesterday. My um mum and my stepdad gave me this book, and they were like, if you uh study this book, you might get into the school that we're going to take you to. And I was about six, and I remember being really good at understanding this book, and I got a lot of praise and a lot of validation, and it was the first time I remember really being seen by my mum, especially, and also my stepdad, and I was getting lots of validation. And at this point, my real dad wasn't really around as much. Um, because we didn't see him from the age of six to the age of 12, which was a big gap. And I just think, looking back, that I used achieving as a form of receiving love and validation. And it's just quite obvious to see now across all of my life that I've always been pushing myself for more and more and more. And now I'm finally getting to the point in my life where I'm thinking I don't need to keep proving myself. I am enough. And it's a hard, it's a hard lesson to really learn. But I think it started from those early ages.

SPEAKER_00 3:10

So let me go back still. So you were born, you had a brother who was four years older, and you're a non-identical twin. Were you the first or the second?

SPEAKER_03 3:20

So I was I was I'm half an hour younger than my twin.

SPEAKER_00 3:23

Okay, so you're the baby.

SPEAKER_03 3:24

Yeah, so I was stuck in there taking all the good jeans.

SPEAKER_00 3:26

How were you? Okay. So how long after that did your father leave?

SPEAKER_03 3:31

Um, so from the age of six, we didn't see our dad.

SPEAKER_00 3:34

Okay. And then how old were you when you got a stepdad?

SPEAKER_03 3:37

Um, around the similar time. Around the similar time, because it was basically when he came into our life and moved us from one place to the other. Only half an hour ago. Your stepfather.

SPEAKER_00 3:46

So when did your parents break up?

SPEAKER_03 3:49

So my memory of my mum and dad um weren't the best. All I remember is them just constantly screaming at each other and arguing. And I don't ever really remember them being fully together. My dad was like a weekend dad. He would come and pick us up at the weekends and he would take us away to the to the fairgrounds and to booklings, and like we just loved spending time with our dad. But I never really remember my mum and dad being together. I think they were off and on like during my lifetime.

SPEAKER_00 4:14

And then what happened when you were six? You said you didn't see him for six whole years.

SPEAKER_03 4:17

So my mum fell in love with my stepdad, and then my stepdad was from another side of Manchester, so he moved us over to um a place called Monton, which was literally only about half an hour away from Cheadle. But at that moment, we just didn't see our dad ever again. We knew he was out there and he would send us birthday cards and stuff like that, but we never had a real explanation of why we weren't seeing him, which obviously caused a lot of uh heartache. Not necessarily even back then because we didn't really understand, but I think as we grew up and started to understand, he came back into our life, you see, when we were 12. Yeah, about 12, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:50

And did you ask him where he'd been?

SPEAKER_03 4:52

Uh yeah, of course we did. Um And he said my dad was just a bit of a joker. Um and he just said, I just his answer was I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it, and we just didn't really understand what he meant. And he kind of laughed it off a little bit. Not when I say laugh it off, obviously it was a coping mechanism for him, but he didn't really give us a solid explanation until we actually did a show um called Manx in Mumbai. And and as part of the television show, he sat us down with a therapist and we got this opportunity to really get into it with him, and he just said, listen, I wasn't strong enough. He said he just he couldn't do it because of his relationship with my mum. Um, but if I'm honest, looking back, my dad's passed away now. I think it was quite clear he'd hate me to say this, but I think he was heartbroken. I think he always held like a lot of love for my mum, and I think he just couldn't bear to be around.

SPEAKER_00 5:45

You know, I was told I would never be able to have a baby. I had cancer twice and was told I'd have to live with that forever. I got run over and was told I couldn't walk for six months. I actually walked in six weeks. And each time I got that diagnosed, I thought, no, this is my mind, my rules. I bounced back from cancer. I had a perfect baby. I recovered being run over super fast, and I used the techniques in this book. In fact, I wrote this book while I was in plaster, having been run over. Because the things that made me bounce back will make you bounce back from relationship issues, wealth issues, childhood issues, confidence issues. If you want to live your life on your terms and have love, success, health, wealth, even the body of your dreams, it's all in here. Buy it and change your life forever. Interesting, because you see, a child will always take ownership of any situation. So just imagine you're six years old and your dad isn't visiting you at all, you haven't seen him for weeks or months, maybe even a year. A six-year-old will sit with themselves and go, My dad doesn't come to visit because. And there's only one answer. So pretend you're six and say, My dad doesn't see me because, and put an ending on that question. Just close your eyes and say, My dad doesn't see me because he doesn't love me. Exactly. You see, a child must take ownership. If a child works out at six, my dad's an alcoholic, I'm not saying your dad, oh my dad's mentally ill, or my dad is selfish, or my dad's found another family, it's actually very scary for a kid. But if they go, oh, because I'm not enough, then they have hope that they can change it. So a child will always say, My dad doesn't seem to be because I'm lacking in something. And but I've got a chance of getting better. If I say my dad's mentally ill, I can't change it. If I say my dad's an alcoholic, I can't change it. If I say I'm not smart enough or interesting enough, a child then has hope they can change it. So I think at six, when your dad left, because you said you used to go to the fun fair and butlins and suddenly he's just gone. I think at six you must have begun to feel not enough, because at six your father had gone after you said you used to go to Butlins and go to the fun fair and it was all great fun, and then suddenly he's gone. And at six, you had to make sense of that. And you made sense of it by owning it, and you own it by saying, I'm not enough, and that's why my dad doesn't see me.

SPEAKER_03 8:10

Yeah, it makes sense, makes total sense. Um, especially when we knew that he was out there, and I remember the feeling of seeing other dads on the sidelines of football and cheering on the kids and stuff. And I just I never could process it back then. But we also worshipped our dad as well. Like we our dad was a soul singer, he was like a um, he was such a big performer, and we used to go and watch him on stage and be mesmerized by him. Like he at what age? From from the the day we were born, like literally we were my memories of my dad was just watching him perform and being in absolute awe because he just could own a stage and he'd had every had he'd have everyone in the palm of his hand. And so, yeah, not having him around, he was almost like a mythical character to me and the boys. Uh and he used to pick us up from school in like a from primary school in a white limo, and all the kids would gather around, and yeah, to not have him in our lives um from an early age was really, really difficult.

SPEAKER_00 9:02

So, how do you think that shaped you and moulded you?

SPEAKER_03 9:06

I think, listen, I've done a lot of therapy.

SPEAKER_00 9:08

So Have you done all your therapy with the same therapist? You said 10 years. So 10 years with the same therapist. Wow.

SPEAKER_03 9:14

Did you advise that or not?

SPEAKER_00 9:15

So No, I wouldn't advise it. But that if it worked for you, that's fine. I think long therapy is too long, but some people really like it.

SPEAKER_03 9:22

But I think you can do all of that in a much more It's weird because I still see him to this day, but I don't really like class it as therapy now. I just class it as like growth.

SPEAKER_00 9:30

Exactly.

SPEAKER_03 9:30

If if I want to understand something about myself, I'll just go and check in with him.

SPEAKER_00 9:33

So you talk about little Scott. I'm really interested in that. Where does that come from, this connection to little Scott?

SPEAKER_03 9:40

So basically, when I first went sober in 2020, and I started to practice spending time on my own, right? Because my therapist actually advised me. He was like, You are always around people. You're obviously running away from yourself. That's why I was the last man standing at any kitchen party. That's why I was taking lots of drugs and drinking myself into oblivion because I was always running away from myself. So he really encouraged me to spend time on my own. Um, and I really didn't want to because I just love being around people. And I remember this one moment where it sounds so daft now, but I had this choice. I was driving home from work and I could go to my brother's house where all the kids were and he was and everything else, or I could go home on my own. And that's what I used to do. I used to always want to be around my family, all my friends. But I decided to go home that night, and I remember it because it was the first time I started practicing self-awareness. And all the shit started coming to the surface, everything I've been running from. Um, like my problem with drinking, drugs, and everything else. But then I started to get back in touch with me again and all the things that I loved doing. So I was a bit of a geek in school. I loved learning. Um, I was a straight A kid in school, four A stars, five A's, three A's at A level, degree in history, and I was a performer in school, and I started to remember all the things I liked about myself. And I always look at my life as kind of different chapters. And I rem I remember from the age of like up until like 18, I was the golden child of the family. And I was very much in touch with who I was. I was the academic one, um, I was meant to be a scholar, and then suddenly I went on this journey of becoming this party boy and this nightlife promoter guy and everything else. So when I went sober again, it's almost like I went back to little Scott. I feel like I'm now the person I was always meant to be, which is weird. Like if I carried on this trajectory I was going, I feel like I am now that person because I'm more tapped into what I actually love and who I am at my core, rather than the person who was just following the crowds in the nightlife industry and just trying to be like somebody else.

SPEAKER_00 11:36

So, of your three brothers, were you the most academic?

SPEAKER_03 11:39

Yes. I was the golden child of the family.

SPEAKER_00 11:42

And did you like that being the golden child?

SPEAKER_03 11:45

Um, I must have done. So I was like the professor of the family, I was a smart one. So me and my twin brother, we both did the same exam to get into the same private primary school. And they said, listen, we can take Scottish really bright, but we can't take Adam. So automatically from an early age, we got separated as twins, and I was in this really like high-achieving private grammar school, which was kind of tough because although I was smart, everybody was really smart and quite wealthy as well. And I remember that pressure thinking this was completely new to me. Um, but yeah, I used to get slightly better Christmas presents. I remember I used to get a big red bike, and the boys would get trainers, and and everywhere I'd go, the family would be like, oh, he's the professor of the family. Because I was like high hopes, but that was kind of interesting because the boys were always like a little bit like the class clowns of their class. And then when they both turned 16, they became super famous. Both um got roles in soaps. One was in Coronation Street, and one was in um Waterley Road. And I remember scratching my head thinking, how's this flips? But yeah, up until that moment, I was the golden child.

SPEAKER_00 12:50

And how did they feel about you being so bright, brighter than them? Was that an issue with your twin brother?

SPEAKER_03 12:56

I don't think so. Listen, I think Adams had it tough growing up because he went to a different school. He was always like the chubby twin, if that makes sense. And yeah, I think he had a harder stint than I did, if I'm honest. And then Ryan was kind of just the older brother that we just used to hate when we were growing up because he was just a nightmare. But it's funny because I can't remember those times now. But one thing I'll say we we've always had for each other is love. Like we've always had love for each other. So I don't think we're ever like jealous of each other. But I feel like growing up, there was definitely different dynamics, and I think I definitely got the best straw growing up, but that kind of flipped, reversed it in some kind of karmic way when them two kind of got their moment when they were both in in soaps.

SPEAKER_00 13:40

And what did your stepfather do?

SPEAKER_03 13:42

So my stepfather had his own business.

SPEAKER_00 13:44

And did you have a good relationship with him?

SPEAKER_03 13:45

Oh, amazing. He was amazing, and still, and still, um, he's a beautiful guy, and he was there for us at the time that we needed him, and he was just so much fun, and he gave us an amazing childhood. But the only thing I will say is that, and it's just hard saying this because we've got so much love for him, he still wasn't our dad. No, of course. And I don't remember ever having like a heart to heart with him or an emotional chat or being taught a certain way by him. It was just more like he was there, he was a good time stepdad, he lifted us up, he took us places. I don't remember feeling like we had that real father-son relationship.

SPEAKER_00 14:26

Were you still with your mother?

SPEAKER_03 14:27

No, no. So they got divorced as well when we were about 12.

SPEAKER_00 14:30

And so did you stop seeing him at 12, or did he stay in your life?

SPEAKER_03 14:34

Um, no, we stopped seeing him pretty much as well. We still started to see him sporadically, but he was pretty much uh like he wasn't as close.

SPEAKER_00 14:42

So that's interesting. You had a dad for six years, then you had a stepdad for six years. And then when your stepdad left, your original dad, your real dad, your birth dad came back. And then how old were you when he died?

SPEAKER_03 14:54

Oh, so my dad died at my house around five years ago. So I would say about 30 oh, 32 now, 33.

SPEAKER_00 15:01

So that's a lot of loss in a young life. If you go back to that little Scotch, you had a dad for six years, but he was never really you don't remember being with your mother, then you had a stepdad. And then he left, and then your father died in your house, and it sounds like he was quite young. How do you think all that loss affected you? Oh honestly.

SPEAKER_03 15:24

In in so many ways. Um, I've all my life I've had a big fear of rejection, um, especially when it came to relationships. Um, I was single up until recently, um, for a long time. I mean, we're talking like probably about eight years or something like that.

SPEAKER_00 15:39

Eight years you were single.

SPEAKER_03 15:40

Yeah, like I had situationships maybe throughout that, but in terms of actually having a proper girlfriend, this is the first time in a long time, and I think that's because I've done the work and I actually love myself now. But for years, no, I I was running away from myself. I didn't have any stability. I felt like I didn't have any grounding because I just I always felt like I was just always looking for love, external validation, hence why I did reality shows, hence why I did all these different things. So yeah, I feel like um looking back, my dad not being around had a massive impact on me and all my brothers.

SPEAKER_00 16:19

Of course. Have you heard that expression? All pain is linked to loss. Often loss you haven't even experienced.

SPEAKER_03 16:26

What does that mean?

SPEAKER_00 16:27

It just means that the human brain links tremendous pain to loss. It doesn't like the word loss. The word loss is, you know, that we talk a lot about energy, but words have an energy. And the word loss, I mean, if you think there's nothing great to lose, is there? People say it was great to lose weight or to lose your inhibitions. But actually, years ago, even losing weight would have been a scary thing if you had a little baby that was losing weight. So the brain doesn't like loss, it links pain to the word loss.

SPEAKER_03 16:53

Oh, so I I used to really fear any kind of change, whether it be in my business or um if I had a member of staff that I was really kind of um reliant on or fond of. Like if they if they left me, I would take it so personally. Or if I had a girl that was seen and she didn't text me back, I would take everything so personally. And but that's kind of started to shift for me now. I was I just lost my dog recently, and I'm I was so proud of the way that I dealt with it this time because I had the tools. But yeah, oh throughout most of my 20s and my 30s, I was just petrified of rejection and being abandoned.

SPEAKER_00 17:26

And loss and loss and change. Yeah. That's interesting. So petrified of being abandoned, change, loss, and being rejected. Yeah. I I actually saw you talking about rejection, talking about your first girlfriend and how it took you such a long time to get over that because you felt she rejected you.

SPEAKER_03 17:43

Oh, it was it wasn't even my first girlfriend, it was my first kiss. Um I was about 11 years old. And um we used to call it losing your fridge. Have you lost your fridge yet? And uh I had my first kiss with this girl called Kelly, and um I remember like it was yesterday and all exactly where we were because it was such a big moment for me. And we had this kiss, and she was like going, she was going like both sides and everything else. I didn't know what I was doing. And I knew it didn't go that well, but I was just buzzing that I got my first kiss. And then literally about two weeks later, I got a call on the house phone, and um it was just Kelly, and she was like, You dumped because you're a shit kisser. And I just remember, I can remember the pain now, and I remember being in the school assembly, and I can remember it vividly, the pain in my heart, I was heartbroken, it felt like rejection. It was just a girl telling me I was I wasn't a great kisser, and that was something that I took into all of my adult life, and looking back, I realised now it's moments like that that give you like intimacy issues and trust issues and stuff like that.

SPEAKER_00 18:42

Yeah, because when you're little, you're very easily rejected. And of course, you only have to listen to songs like I'll die without you, I can't live without you, you're the only one. Of course, when you get older, you begin to realise the only person who can really reject you is you. The only person who has the power to reject you is you. So when you were on a reality TV show and you get fans, and but you also get people who don't like you, tell me what that was like being on reality TV. Not the people that liked you, the people that were rejected you. What was that like?

SPEAKER_03 19:14

Um, to be honest, I was quite lucky. So when I did Love Island the first time round, I came out to a lot of love. Um, for whatever reason, the way I carried myself in there, even though I was a lost little boy in that show. I came out and I think those shows you either get lucky or you don't get lucky in terms of like the edit. And I think I came out to a lot of love, and I didn't really get much hate. Do you know what I mean? So it was quite an easy ride for me. And also, I remember that moment in my life being a massive milestone because I wasn't famous all of my life. So both my brothers were famous from the age of 16, and people forget this, but up until the age of 27, I was just their brother. So I would be the brother that would take their pictures and everything else. But always deep down, underneath it all, I knew that I was kind of destined for that life as well because I was a performer, just like my dad. I was a performer, but because I was told I was academic and smart, I went down a different route. But I was very much like my brothers. And then when I got my opportunity to go on the show and kind of receive all this adoration and stuff, it just felt like home to me because also I love people and I love making people smile and making making them feel happy. So the fact that literally people want a picture with me, I was like, that's so easy for me because I just love making people's day. So I felt like that's where I belonged. However, what's really interesting is more recently, the more I've stepped into this version of Scott, the Scott who's following what he truly loves and being his true self and being authentic. Like I love motivational speaking, I love sharing stuff that I've learned, and I love trying to inspire people. And it's funny, I'm getting more shit now than I did when I was a Scott from a reality show. Because I'm actually trying to step into something different, and I've luckily got the tools to know that this is not an indicator of my self-worth. But back then, if I got any shit and I'd get the odd comment, I would fixate on those comments.

SPEAKER_00 21:07

Tell me some of the comments, what would they say to you?

SPEAKER_03 21:10

Oh um, it would just be along the lines of these Thomas bros are the fake laughs, or um it'd be something along the line of like these guys have got nothing about them, talentless, just like yeah, it was. I can't remember it being anything super specific, and it was nothing that I would literally take into my soul because I kind of knew it wasn't true. But it hurt you, but yeah, of course it does. I think um less so now, because now I take it as a sign of I'm doing something right. But again, I'm I'm yeah, I'm coming to you as the best version of me now, right? So I'm I'm trying to put myself back in that position. But yeah, I was very in the hands of my followers in in terms of my self worth was based on how my posted or how many people loved. Liked my post or interacted, whereas now I'm having to learn a whole new behavior around that because all my life I was chasing recognition. Recognition above anything else.

SPEAKER_00 22:11

Can I ask you why? Finish that sentence. All my life I was chasing recognition because and just put an ending on it.

SPEAKER_03 22:17

All my life I was chasing recognition because I didn't feel enough.

SPEAKER_00 22:21

Yeah. And I didn't feel enough because do that.

SPEAKER_03 22:24

And I didn't feel enough because I didn't love myself.

SPEAKER_00 22:29

Okay. Because you do now.

SPEAKER_03 22:30

I do now.

SPEAKER_00 22:31

And that was a journey for you.

SPEAKER_03 22:32

And it's been a journey, and it's been also a m- This feeling that I've got now is why I'm so passionate about what I'm doing. Because this is the real shit.

SPEAKER_00 22:40

So in that journey, when did the addictions begin? The drinking, the drugs, the gambling, when in your life did that begin?

SPEAKER_03 22:48

So I always drank from an early age, from age of like 13 on the streets with my friends. This was kind of just part of our culture. We'd all meet up on a Friday. We'd wait outside the local shop for someone to go in and shop. But yeah, mate, you're going to shop for us for a bottle of vodka, a quarter litre bottle of vodka and a bottle of Fanta. And that's how I would spend every Friday. But I was still a scholar. I went to this private school and I got my work done. But then at the weekends, maybe I almost turned into a little chav. I'd tuck my jeans into my socks. Can't bear to even look at the old pictures now. But I would live this double life, but then I'd also always go back to working really hard. But from an early age, that's how I met girls, that's how I got my confidence. That's how I dealt with stress. Drinking. Yeah, drinking. But it never seemed to be a massive problem because I didn't change too much as a person. However, when I went into the nightlife game and I started throwing parties for a living, and it became my bread and butter, and it also became glamorized, and I got more recognition for being the craziest guy in the room, the ultimate lad. That's when my um my drinking started to escalate out of control because then drugs came into the mix. And what I noticed is I always knew in my intuition that I wasn't fully comfortable in this environment. But on paper, it paid a lot of money. I looked really successful. I was a guy in Manchester, I was mixing with celebrities, footballers, models, I was living what looked like the dream. But in order to be comfortable in that dream, I had to drink myself into oblivion and take lots of drugs. And so what I was actually doing, and looking back, is I was actually chasing the recognition over myself.

SPEAKER_00 24:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:22

So I was gonna say it would it would have started with the nightlife.

SPEAKER_00 24:25

And then when did the gambling come in? So you had the drinking, then the drinking and the drugs, and then when did the gambling come into the mix?

SPEAKER_03 24:31

So the gambling came into the mix when uh I think I was around 22, and basically we used to go to the casinos after a night out. So the gambling actually started from my relationship to alcohol and drugs because I'd end up in a casino, drunk, and then we'd have a little gamble. And I used to be really happy just winning 40 quid from like 20 quid or something, like doubling my money, getting off, making a couple of quid and walking away. But there's this one defining moment, and I remember like it was yesterday, I can see it clearly, it's like this little old lady around the casino table. And I won a thousand pounds from 20 quid, and the feeling was euphoric. And from that moment onwards, I was never happy with a small win. Every time I gambled, I had to win big, and I couldn't walk away anymore. And this problem just got hold of me so quickly to the point that it just started off on a night out in the casinos, and then the next day I'd wake up, I'd be mortified. I'd be like, I have to go to the bookies right now. And I was waiting outside the bookies before it opened to try and win the money back. I couldn't take the loss.

SPEAKER_01 25:32

I couldn't take it.

SPEAKER_03 25:32

I couldn't take the loss. But again, it started from the drinking, and this problem uh lasted for about six to eight months, but it was one of the darkest times of my life because no one knew about it.

SPEAKER_00 25:41

So something else I'm picking up as I talk to you is about being different. You know, when you're a kid, to be different is actually the bane of your life. When you're older, it's fine. But I think being the kid who was smart, the golden chart, and your brother, especially your Adam, went to didn't go to your school and he wasn't. Tell me about that feeling of being different that you must have had before you were six years old.

SPEAKER_03 26:03

Oh man, I've always felt different.

SPEAKER_00 26:05

Um what was that like? Okay, so tell me two things. Why did you feel different? And what was it like to feel different? Because of course the thing is as human beings, our greatest need is to connect. You know, when you go to school, you go, I like Lego, I like Lego, I like James Bond. So now we're friends because we've connected. Little boys do that. But when you feel different, it's much harder to connect. So tell me about that little kid that already felt different at six, seven, eight.

SPEAKER_03 26:32

I just felt like I was um I was always deeper than the other kids. Um I always use that word a lot, like I just love looking for the meaning in things. I was very in touch with my emotions, and I was very passionate about learning and and just I was an empath as well. Like I just I could feel people's emotions.

SPEAKER_00 26:58

Um that was the good stuff. What was it like for you inside? Because you were different to all the other kids. The kids you went, you said the kids you went to school with were wealthy and you weren't, your brother went to a state school, you didn't, your elder brother didn't go to private school. What did it do to you, this feeling of being different at such an early age, this awareness that you were different?

SPEAKER_03 27:19

Oh, the word that's coming out to me right now is pressure. Felt a lot of pressure from an early age. To be what? To be the golden child, to be the professor, to get the great results. I was I remember to this day I was spending two and two hours a night in my bedroom as a as a young eight, nine-year-old doing my homework.

SPEAKER_00 27:37

Yeah. So you felt this pressure to be different, but also would you say that it you were happy? Because most kids who feel different are not happy at all. Because we need to be the same. It's it's our wiring says I've I've got to connect. We're wired to find connection, avoid rejection. Sadly, when you're different, you don't find connection, you find rejection. And when you describe the man in the club, the happy extrovert, which wasn't really you, it's that feeling of actually, if you knew me, you'd know I'm not like you. I'm different, but I'm gonna act like you, and then you'll never find out. 100%. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 28:11

I was following the crowds.

SPEAKER_00 28:13

Yeah, trying to be the same.

SPEAKER_03 28:14

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 28:15

Because as a kid, it's very scary to be different. Of course, as an adult, it's fine.

SPEAKER_03 28:19

Yeah, 100%. And that's the lesson, the biggest lesson I've learned. Like, that's why my whole brand and my whole movement is called true self. Yeah. Because I've actually realized now that being my authentic self is the superpower. But at the time, no, all my life I've just wanted to fit in and be like everybody else. And I don't really remember as a kid being happy. You remember being happy? I don't really even the word happy now is like this is the first time in my life where I'm accepting that I can be happy. So all my life, it was I can only be happy when, if I get the results. Like the best day of my life was my GCC results day. Because I just remember it like it was yesterday. I arrived and I got my my slips and I got four A stars, five A's, and everybody was just like cheering me on. I got a moped off my mum. I was getting so much adoration, and because no one, nobody had done what I but you had to earn that, you see.

SPEAKER_00 29:13

That's an interesting thing. You had to earn it. You got it by working really hard for it. And I wonder, sometimes when that happens, it leaves you with a belief, I've got to earn love. I've got to even I've got to buy it sometimes. So that kid, although you got that fantastic day, you had to earn it. And imagine when you have a child saying to them, I love you when you earn it, I love you when you get great A's, I love you when you get perfect results. It would really damage them. And I'm not suggesting your parents did that, but at some level, you did have that message that you had to earn recognition. And no wonder you acted out in clubs because that was the belief you picked up as a little kid. I gotta work for it, I've got to earn it, I've got to chase it.

SPEAKER_03 29:59

Yeah, all my life um I've been chasing. In fact, I listened to a lot to Dr. Jody Spencer, and um I love his philosophy of like stop chasing and start choosing. Yeah. Because actually, the more I've let go, the more I've relaxed, the more I've not wanted something so badly, the more I've got. And I'm seeing proof of that like in all elements of my life. But yeah, from an early age, I was constantly hustling. And I think this is the problem a lot of guys are facing right now, is with the like being part of hustle culture, which is what I was part of growing up. We were taught like literally to get success at all costs, and you've got to work really hard to get it. And if you're not working really hard, you're not gonna make it. And I just think that's a load of bullshit now. I think there's so many different ways to get that.

SPEAKER_00 30:42

And then there's the other side of that. There's one person saying, I'm gonna work so hard to make it, and they can only value it when it comes from sheer hard work. Then you get the other group who it comes easily and they can't endure it either because they didn't work for it. So you get one group that says, I've got to work hard now, I've got it, but I've got to keep working hard to achieve it. It's that trend where I've got to keep, I've got to get more now. But the second group who don't work hard and get it can't value it. You probably know that 75% of lottery winners are bankrupt in three years, and 90% of inherited wealth is gone in three generations. Because if you get it without the hard work, that also doesn't work because the belief is, well, I didn't earn this. It doesn't have any value.

SPEAKER_03 31:22

It's so interesting you say that because I talk about this on the on the podcast with my brothers. I always say that I wouldn't want to win the lottery. And they say, What do you mean? I went, Because I want to earn it. Yeah. Like for me, it wouldn't be of value if I didn't earn it. And my brothers look at me like it's crazy. But for me now, what I realize is happiness for for me becomes from through progression and constantly just striving to be the best version of myself. Don't get me wrong, I've I've removed the pressure of that now. But if I was just like making, for example, creating wealth and creating this life for myself, that's the bit I'm starting to fall in love with now, the process rather than destination.

SPEAKER_00 31:58

Yeah, because there is no destination, there's no terminal called happiness. You don't go, I've got the happiness, is the journey and it's a choice.

SPEAKER_03 32:06

And you know what's crazy? Like being this Scott that I am today, sat in front of you, is my moon landing. So if you met Scott a few years ago, you wouldn't recognise him. Like, and people think my story is the sober guy. No, my story is like you can be whoever the fuck you want, wanna be guy. Because I've literally gone from being a guy who was out three nights a week, taking loads of drugs, drinking myself into oblivion, having no confidence to now being a guy who is grounded, um, well, as grounded as it can be, um content in my own skin and really self-aware of what's driving me on a day-to-day basis. And I just always wanted to be this guy. I just wanted to be balanced. I wanted to be normal. And the fact that I'm this guy now has made it amazing for me because I now know I don't need to achieve a billion-pound business or something to make me feel happy because anything anything from here is a bonus.

SPEAKER_00 32:59

So you talked a little while ago about how men of your generation are taught, you know, achieve, achieve, successes over there, go to it, work hard, work hard. But then they're very unhappy. So, in your mind, what is going on when you meet these people, men and women, who given the message, work hard, get some stuff, be in be an achiever, but they're unhappy.

SPEAKER_03 33:23

Do you know what's so interesting? All I see around me now is so much pain. What kind of pain? I can just sense it in people like for me. I no longer look up to the guy who's worth a billion pounds. I look up to the guy who comes in and he's grounded, he's centered, and he makes people feel calm around him. So, what I see a lot now on social media, and even some of the high achievers that I know is like they're not even happy because the pressure they put on themselves to be successful, because like they they think, and I used to think the same, that only when I get this I can be happy. So I think for me, the reason why a lot of people are striving for that is because they're in pain. And pain can be a really powerful fuel. Pain was my fuel, pain got me to this point, right? And now, but then I realize the goalpoggs never stopped moving. So now what I'm trying to drive from and create from is from a place of passion and love for what I do. So when I see people just literally relentlessly driving forward every single day, don't get wrong, there's a lot of admiration in it to see where you can take things, but also I'm asking, I'm asking people now, are you happy though? Because you can be happy along the way. And for me, I was never happy along the way, and I refuse to live my life like that now. So for me, I think the biggest reason why not not everybody, but a lot of people are just relentlessly driving is because they're trying to amass some kind of pain.

SPEAKER_00 34:40

Yeah, of course. And we're all taught more, you know, earn more, get more labels. So we're very caught up with the numbers, you know, what do I weigh? How much money is in my bank account? What size am I? How many followers have I got? What is the label, my my career? What label have I got? And these things don't really count. We think we're taught to put so much value on the labels. Have you been promoted? Are you a CEO? Are you a millionaire? What kind of a car do you have? Where do you live? What what label are you? What do you do? What do you do? But you must have seen the manosphere, and I know you've talked a lot. I call it the lost boys. Because when I watched the manosphere, I straight away saw what I call the lost boys, boys without a father figure in their life, boys without a dad, or boys who who had a father who wasn't around. So when you see this toxic masculinity, these young kids, because they're so disconnected, they have to do this interesting thing. It's like, okay, I'm I'm a lost kid. I don't know I'm a lost kid, but I know I don't feel good. So I'm gonna connect to this gang and hate that gang. And that gang could be a football team. It could be some of them, it's I'm gonna hate women or I'm gonna hate the government or the culture. So how you get connected is to join a gang and and dislike and blame another gang. So it's a very common thing. The more lost you are, the more you are disconnected, the more you crave connection. So you often get into a gang. And we've got this whole gang culture now. But what did you see Manosphere? I'm sure you did. What did you think of it? Did you watch those young guys who were obviously in tremendous pain? You probably saw the pain.

SPEAKER_03 36:15

Yeah, I saw a lot of pain. Um, and I think it was HS Tiki Talkie who said he actually started off as a PT.

SPEAKER_00 36:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 36:23

All right. So he started off with good intentions and then realized that he was getting rewarded for negativity. Of course. So it was almost like he just exploited a system that he was part of. And I've I've met a lot of people who think this HS Tiki to um Tiki Talkie isn't really a bad guy in real life. Well, it's probably not even who he is. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_00 36:45

It's just a brand, it's just something he's become. You often, you know, a lot of people who are out there in that world, who they are and who they are on the screen is two very different things.

SPEAKER_03 36:54

Well, I had to say my ultra ego was the Scottish Special. So literally, that was my ultra ego in Manchester. He's uh he's Scott out tonight or Scottish Special. And even my Twitter name used to be Scottish Special because that's who I hid behind. That was my character. And when people met Scott, they didn't really know what to do with him. And that's what used to kill me because I would wake up the next day having to deal with the train wreck that Scottish Special left behind him, getting arrested for junk and disorderly, gambling, pissing people off, getting chucked out my own nights. And actually, I woke up as Scott and I was like, I just hated. I remember the pain hating the fact that people thought that's who I was.

SPEAKER_00 37:26

Yeah, because now you're just connected again because you've got two characters, and only one of them is you. So what you're doing for connection, creating this alter ego, ultimately disconnects you because it's not who you are.

SPEAKER_03 37:40

I think it's really interesting. I I think when it comes to masculinity, I think there's like it's been polarized so much. So you've got like the likes of like Andrew Tate over there, who are kind of really like opinionated and like man up type vibes, and then you've got like um the men who are in touch with their their emotions and everything else. And I just think there just needs to be like a middle ground because I've got a PT, for example, called Z, and I love him, but he's very black and white and he's very masculine. And he's always telling me, like, you you're too in your emotions, you're too in your emotions, and everything else. And you know what? To a certain point, he's right. But I also know that his like he's not fully right. There's something in the middle, and I used to listen to motivational speakers all the time, like David Goggins and Eric Thomas, like, get up and then run for 100 miles and this and that. And I loved it. But what I realized is if you just live off that one fuel, yeah, it's gonna it's gonna tie you out. So, what I do now is when it comes to masculinity, is I pull on different people for different fuels at different times. So sometimes I listen to Dr. Joe Dispenser and I take his way of looking at things like stop chasing, start choosing. Then I I might use David Goggins on a day when I'm on my arse and I need a bit of a kick up the arse. And for me, like masculinity can be a bit of everything, but what's happening at the minute is it seems to be so polarized. And what I want to be is an example of positive masculinity, saying I am a lad and I am gonna create a great life for myself, and I do want nice things, but I'm also really in touch with my emotions, and that's okay. And I I've never been scared to share my emotions, and I think there's nothing more masculine than a guy who can go to therapy and take ownership of what he's going through and be vulnerable, vulnerable about it. And I think we just need to meet in the middle, and I think at the minute it's just too polarizing.

SPEAKER_00 39:21

Yeah. So, in your therapy, have you ever gone back and found that little Scott that you talk about? So have you gone back and looked at him and had a conversation with him?

SPEAKER_03 39:31

Do you know what? My therapist guy always tells me to do this. Um he says, I need you to go and play with your inner child. I said, What do you mean play with it? Do you mean talk to me? No, no, actually, like do something paint or like And have you done it? Interact with him. I think the the most I've done is when I've been on um a walk, and I can see little Scott like screaming for attention. He's like, You need to go and do that project. You need to get that work done. And I'm like, I'm walking around going, This isn't, I don't need to do anything. And I'm like, little Scott, don't worry, I've got this. And I hug myself and I walk.

SPEAKER_00 40:05

Well, that's the little boy you see that learned that he had to earn it.

SPEAKER_03 40:08

100%. So what I do now is I'm I end up hugging little Scott on this walk and come here, you, I've got you. And um, people must think I'm not turning walking past, but I'm like, I've got you now. And I'm I'm having to treat, teach myself to be my own father. What I used to look for on those nights out was escapism. Of course, it was pure escapism, and also I feel like connection as well to myself. Like, even like a lot of lads, when we when we get together on those for those kitchen parties and we're taking drugs and we're talking deep enough for now, so it's funny, like we think we're looking for connection to each other, but I think that was my way of actually finding connection to myself. Um and I realize that now. But yeah, I think the most interesting part of my journey and the most life-changing is I'm finally separate from my thoughts.

SPEAKER_01 40:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 40:55

So I've been practicing a lot of meditation and I've been doing lots of journaling and I've done a lot of work on myself to to notice now that I am not my thoughts.

SPEAKER_00 41:03

Yeah, because if you if you stop thinking a thought, I've got to earn love, where does the thought go? Well, it doesn't exist, does it?

SPEAKER_03 41:09

100%.

SPEAKER_00 41:10

Your thoughts create your feelings, your feelings create your behavior. So you think a thought, which is I've got to earn love or approval, and that creates a feeling of tremendous pressure because you've got to earn it. And the feeling creates a behavior as trying to earn it, which you justify by thinking the thought. So it's like a loop. I've thought a thought, I've got to earn love, gotta work for it. That makes me feel under pressure, and then I try to carry out the behavior and more pressure. But if you flip that to love is all around me, it's always there. You feel completely different and you behave differently. The law of control says this your thoughts control your feelings, your feelings control your behaviors. When you change the thinking, you change your life. And when you realize too that, well, I'm not my thoughts. If I stop thinking a thought, where's the thought? It's just gone. So your state of mind, you know, we're not we're not governed by the traffic or the weather, we're governed by what we think. But you can change your thoughts at any time.

SPEAKER_03 42:10

One question I've got for you is that I'm constantly trying to rewire my limited beliefs. So, for example, I've got life is love written on uh my vision board. So I stare at it every day and I say to myself, life is love because I think most mornings I remember always waking up, feeling like the world is against me. Right? And I know a lot of people feel this, like it's almost like from the minute I wake up, I've got a million things that are on my mind. And I'm thinking, and now finally, because I'm separate from my thoughts, I go, wait a second, Scott, your day's not even that crazy today. And nothing is against you. And I can kind of start to rewire those belief systems. But sometimes I feel like they're so ingrained in us. Like, what is the process of becoming separate from them and rewiring them? It's an everyday process.

SPEAKER_00 42:52

You said two things. You said trying to get rid of my limiting beliefs. So, first of all, the word trying implies failure. You never never say, you'd never say I'm gonna try and pick up this glass of water and have a drink. So the minute you say try, that is a word that is a misdirect. So you don't ever say trying if you want to achieve something. Say I'm doing it. And when you say my limiting beliefs, well, that's an ownership word. You know, people say, Do you want to come to my house? Here's my car, um, or these are my kids. But if you don't want it, you should never prefix it with my because the brain owns whatever you call my. So that very simple, I'm trying to get rid of my limiting beliefs was totally confusing to your brain. It didn't know what you were talking about. You might as well have said bananas on toast, because it had no idea what that meant. Because you started it with trying and then you said my. So you've got to flip the thought. You know, words have energy. You know, if you say the word torture, it's got a very different energy to peace. And your brain will always work out what's going on by how you dialogue with you. So some words you should never use. Wanting, here's a great thing I want peace. But you see, if I require, if I require. Peace, I'm gonna get it, because my brain, as a very, I require it. But wanting always comes from lack. So if you look at some of the words you use, and this book will show, by the way, that's the little dialogue of the thoughts.

SPEAKER_01 44:11

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 44:11

It's like a triangle thoughts, feelings, behaviors. When I'm working with kids, I I actually put this marker tape on them. They run from a thought to a feeling to a behave until they realise that if they just flip the thought, everything changes. So for you, you have to look at just some very simple language patterns. Never say I'm trying to change my limiting beliefs, say I've already done it. And I get that the limiting beliefs.

SPEAKER_03 44:35

And I get that. But let me give you a more like day-to-day example. So, for example, I love playing paddle. Right. And I'm not the best at paddle, right? So I'm self-aware enough to say that I'm not the best at paddle and I need a little bit of work. But if I was to walk around and say, I am the best at paddle, and I get all the I'm well into all like positive belief systems and everything else. What would happen? I would feel like a bit of a fraud saying that, or a bit delusional by saying that. And it's so weird because I will say it, like, for example, now, um, I say I am the number one motivational speaker in the UK. And I don't say it was to be arrogant or because I need it, it's how I want to carry myself, how I want to embody myself, right? But when I say something like that about paddle, around a lot of people who are way better than me, like on paper, how do you not feel like an idiot?

SPEAKER_00 45:25

Well, a couple of things. First of all, every day your psychology has a full-on conversation with your biology. Every minute of the day, your psychology is talking to your biology. So if you said I'm outstanding at paddle, every day I'm more outstanding at paddle. I'm not saying I'm the greatest in the world. So your brain can't just your brain is a proofmaking robot. Whatever you tell it, it has to prove it. So I knew that would go wrong. I knew that wouldn't work out, I knew it, knew it was a bad idea. And the proofmaking robot agrees. So once you get it, okay, my brain is going to prove what I say. If I say I'm the best paddle player in the world, I don't really believe it. If I say I'm outstanding at paddle, every day my paddle game is just better. I'm amazed at how good I am at paddle. You're first of all, you're exciting your imagination. It really likes those words. It's not ever going to disprove it because you can't really, how could you disprove that every day you're getting better at it? And there's nothing in there that's negative. So to be amazing at paddle, you've got to do three things. If to be amazing at anything, you've got to do three things really well. The first is you must massively increase self-talk. I'm amazing at this, I'm gifted at this, I'm so good at this, I'm getting better at this every day. You massively improve it and put some words in, don't just say amazing, I'm incredibly amazing, I'm super efficient, I've got a phenomenal memory. I'm really gifted at so you big up positive self-talk. At the same time, you must really minimize the negative stuff. Well, I'm rubbish at paddle, I'm not really making any everyone's better than me. You've got to minimize all of that, and then visualize it too. So if you can do those three things, maximize positive self-talk, put words in, don't just say I'm good, say I'm fucking amazing, I'm freaking amazing, I'm super gifted, I'm massively talented. Because the way you feel about everything is down to two things the pictures you make in your head and the words you use. So when it comes to paddle, you have to have great pictures, you know. God, I've got fantastic hand-eye coordination, I've got so much energy to run around that court, my lung capacity is phenomenal. I'm just so good at making contact with that ball and getting it across the court. So you really big up the good language, you minimize the negative and you visualize it. You know, there was a study not long ago where these people were told that they were fighter pilots and they were taken into a room, they put in a flight simulator, and their eyesight improved immediately, which actually can't happen. But because the brain believed they were a fighter pilot, it immediately started to make their eyes work better because fighter pilots need fantastic vision. And there's lots of studies like that. There was the US rifle team where they put them into groups of three. The first group practiced every day firing the rifle, the second group practiced and visualized. The third group, no practice at all. They just visualized. Which group do you think was the best? One did a lot of practice, one visualized, one practiced and visualized. Practiced and visualized? No, the ones who visualized and never practiced were amazing.

SPEAKER_01 48:29

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 48:30

Because the psychology is talking to the biology, the the brain was telling the body, you're fantastic at shooting. And so you probably heard of someone whose kids got stuck under a fridge and they managed to lift the whole fridge up because the psychology told the biology what to do. When people walk on fire, the same thing happens. So you only have to really remember five things. Your psychology is talking to a body. What are you telling it? Tell it amazing things.

SPEAKER_03 48:58

So when I say something like I'm the fucking guy, it's a big myself up. Is that okay?

SPEAKER_00 49:02

Fantastic. Say it all the time.

SPEAKER_03 49:04

And but I don't, but you said something about not saying I'm fucking amazing at Addle. I can say that okay. You should say it, definitely.

SPEAKER_00 49:13

Say I'm amazing at, I'm super amazing at freaking amazing at. The fuck's a great word because it's an amplifier. You should always put it in front of things you want, but not in a fucking awful headache. I'm so fucking stressed. So only use it to you want to amplify the good stuff, minimise the negative, visualise.

SPEAKER_03 49:30

It's so funny you say that because I've just been on holiday with my missus, and um and I said I said to her, right, I want to challenge us not to talk negative because even just little things for the day. And she'd be like, Oh, it's a bit hot today. And we did this little thing where I go, we have to like touch each other, zzzz. And honestly, it was like it was kind of scary to realise just the sublimable like little times that we were always talking negative, even though we are naturally quite positive, but literally people, it's just the little things, and I'm so conscious of it now. Every time I talk, sometimes I go, I was about to say something, I go, wait a second, I'm not gonna say it in that way because I d I do fully believe in everything that you're saying. But I think sometimes the question mark I've got is when you know there is work to be done or progress to be made, not to sound stupid.

SPEAKER_00 50:11

Well, here's a great thing to ask. Here's a question. What would you have to believe about yourself to be amazing at paddle?

SPEAKER_03 50:17

That I've put the work in.

SPEAKER_00 50:18

What would you have to believe about yourself to not be amazing at paddle?

SPEAKER_03 50:21

Um to not put the work in, to not be consistent.

SPEAKER_00 50:24

Exactly. But you know, only athletes who visualize will ever get into the Olympics. I mean, for many, many years, it doesn't matter how good you are at running or at contact sport or golf or anything, it's the ability to see it that makes it even better. You know, in the 1980s, Michael Phelps was the most incredible American swimmer. He got eight medals. He was like Robo. Oh my god, this guy is amazing. Now you can't get into the team swimming at that speed. Ryan Locke beat that long ago. I don't remember now who the biggest swimmer is in the Olympics, but your potential expands as you move towards it. So say that's your potential. And as you go to it, it moves, then it moves again. You can never know what your potential is because it expands. And there are people who break records all the time. You know, when Roger Bannister, he was told, I think it was in the 1950s, nobody can run a mile in under four minutes. It's impossible. But he did it. But the same year, 57 more people did it because and Roger showed them it was possible. Because when you reach your potential, it moves. So you couldn't know how good you're at paddle. It's impossible to know because the more you do it, the better you are, the better you are, the more you do it. But also when your brain goes to a new dimension, it never goes back. So when you begin to learn this, these words of saying, I'm amazing, I'm gifted, I'm skilled, this is my skill set. You're not saying I'm brilliant, you say, This is my skill set, this is my gift. I happen to be phenomenal at paddle and amazing also at personal development. You don't have to say you're good at everything in the world, you're picking a couple of things. But when you say, This is my gift, this is why I'm here, the proof making robot proves it. Like if you said, Oh, I'm gonna get sick this week because it's hay fever season, I always get sick, well, that will happen. And if you say, I've got a great immune system, I'm never sick, that will tend to happen too. You know, I had two parents, my mother was always sick, my father was never sick a day in his life, and they both would say, My mum would say, that's gonna make me sick. That food wasn't cooked properly, or I I smelt some paint, and that gives me headaches, and I'm allergic. And my father would go, Oh, I can eat anything, I've got perfect constitution. So they both told talk themselves into something. His was very positive, hers sadly wasn't. So the proofmaking robot's gonna prove whatever you say. You might as well say amazing things. Like imagine if you said of it, I've got a phenomenal memory, I've got an incredible, I've got an enviable, reliable, foolproof memory. Do you think your memory would get better? Or do you think that might it would be stay the same? What do you think?

SPEAKER_01 52:59

It's gonna improve.

SPEAKER_00 53:00

And if you said every day, I've got the worst memory in the entire world, what would happen?

SPEAKER_03 53:04

You forget a lot of things.

SPEAKER_00 53:05

Of course you would, because the proof-making robot doesn't care what you tell it, it's just out to make it true.

SPEAKER_03 53:11

But where do you draw the line? Because you just said then about picking a couple of things that you're good at, right? So you've got people like, for example, like Kanye West, who talks about he could do anything if he wanted to. He could be in a he could be in the NBA if you wanted to be, and people say, no, you couldn't. And I'm massive on like um self-belief now, and and you can do anything you put your mind to.

SPEAKER_00 53:30

But what if you are like just for example It's a good question because you couldn't say I'm a brain surgeon and become a brain surgeon, of course, because we're talking about feelings. You couldn't say I'm a world-class skier if you never put on a pair of skis, but you're talking about a feeling. I like paddle, I play paddle. So saying I'm really good at paddle, in fact, I'm gifted at paddle, is something the robot can make real because you're already there.

SPEAKER_01 53:56

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 53:57

But if you said I'm the best brain surgeon in the world, well, you're just gonna dismiss that because there's no evidence to back it up. So we look for evidence.

SPEAKER_03 54:05

But what if you have, for example, wealth is a big one for me, right? So um I didn't come from money. Meaning. My mum was a nurse, my dad left the world with nothing. So, like, I always wanted to earn what I'm earning now. Yes, and I'm really content with that, but I also want to explore my potential and see where I can take things.

SPEAKER_01 54:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 54:24

But to imagine having I'm having to teach myself every single day, and I'm doing what you're saying, actually. I've got this number in my head that I want, and I keep saying every day I'm worth this, I already have it, it's mine, right? But I've had to um really work on that because I remember one of my friends came into a lot of money, like multi, multi-millions. And there was a time when I couldn't even imagine having that money in my bank account. And that's when I realized when if I can't even imagine it, yeah, of course, how am I possibly gonna get it? Um, but what would you say to someone who's literally got nothing, never experienced having anything, but then they've got to imagine I'm as well.

SPEAKER_00 54:59

Don't use the word money, say I'm wealthy, I'm rich, I'm abundant, I'm wealthy, I'm rich. You know, you might say, gosh, when my little son was born, I felt like a billionaire. And many people say the day my kid was born, I felt like the wealthiest person in the world. Or when I found love, or when I got a diagnose saying I'm free of cancer, it's like, wow, I just feel so rich. So use three words rich, abundant, wealthy. I'm wealthy, I'm wealthy. After all, if you went to the poorest country in the world, you'd feel wealthy immediately. It's a state. You know, when I was in parts of Mexico, people were living, I thought, God, I mean, I couldn't even imagine people could live like that. And I felt very, very wealthy in comparison. So don't talk about money, say I'm wealthy, I'm rich, I'm abundant. And every day I'm more wealthy, even richer, even more abundant. And then you can begin to say, and my bank account has X in it. The thing about the brain is it has one time frame, it's called right now. If you say next year I'll be a millionaire, the brain doesn't know what next year is, it only knows now. So although it doesn't make sense to you saying I'm wealthy now, I'm abundant now, I'm even wealthier right now, the brain actions things that are in the now. It doesn't know where over there is. So add the words now, right now, immediately, even this minute. I'm wealthy, I'm rich, I'm abundant, I'm successful. You see, these are feeling words as much as action words. If you said I'm successful, who could say you're not? Because isn't it just relative? If you said I'm wealthy, who could say you're not? Because it's relative. When I took my daughter to feed homeless who were one Christmas, I came back, I felt like a billionaire. I had a heating, I had a bed, I had a fire, I had a house. I thought, wow, I feel so wealthy because I was comparing myself to people who are living on the streets. So you can't really disprove these feeling words. But saying I'm a brain surgeon, of course you can disprove that. But as long as it's a feeling, a state, I'm well, I'm super healthy, I'm lovable, I'm enough, I'm matter, I'm significant. How could you disprove that? Because it's all relative. If I said I'm an Olympic skier, well, it might disprove that because I've never been even put skis on in my entire life. But most of us are not saying I'm a brain surgeon. We we we're saying the things I'm successful, I'm wealthy, I'm lovable, I attract love, I maintain love, I have beautiful friendships, my body is healthy. The things that matter are love, having a healthy body, having doing something you're good at, having a career, and making a sum of money that makes you feel pretty good. So all of those are available to everybody. Being a brain surgeon isn't available to everybody, but there are people coming from nowhere, as we know, with ideas. Like who would have thought putting a little furry thing on a handbag could make you a billion dollars? Who would have thought making that drink would prize is it prime or prime?

SPEAKER_03 57:49

Yeah, prime.

SPEAKER_00 57:50

So there are people coming from nowhere. The days that you've got to go to university, have an education, money comes from money, are not true. But you've got to expand and not contract. And when you say, I'm enough, I'm lovable, I'm wealthy, I'm abundant, I'm rich, you're expanding. When you go, well, I can't find the money, I don't know where it's coming from. Well, you're contracting.

SPEAKER_03 58:13

Can I ask you a question, though? Yeah. So one thing I'm I'm always kind of conscious of now, and I kind of call it like the matrix, right? I feel like I've almost stepped out of the matrix.

SPEAKER_00 58:21

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 58:22

Because I feel like I was asleep for so many years. I wasn't in touch with myself. I was following the masses, the crowds, and else. And now I'm kind of I feel like I've just stepped out the matrix a little bit. I feel like, and I'm reading a book um called Trans Surfing in the 78 Days.

SPEAKER_00 58:38

You're gonna like this one, by the way.

SPEAKER_03 58:39

I'm gonna read this book, don't you worry. Uh and basically um it talks about the pendulums and how basically data, because I wake up some mornings, super positive. I've done my meditation, uh, I'm feeling great about myself, and then you'll get hit with certain things throughout the day, right? Sure. Um, what is your advice for those moments where you are so kind of when you're in such a great place, but it's almost as if the world is trying to pull you away from that. Do you feel that yourself? Sure.

SPEAKER_00 59:09

So I would never say I'm having the worst day or oh my god, it's hell. I might say today I'm going through something. I'd never say I've got the worst cold in the world, or I've got a terrible headache. So I'm going through something today and it will be gone tomorrow. So you can wake up and have an off day. Success is not never failing, it's how fast you bounce back. And actually, if you do something 80% of the time, it's the same as 100%. If you were committed to working out 100% or 80%, the results are the same. In fact, the 80% is better because you do better when you have some time off. If you had a fantastic diet 80% of the time, or 100%, the 80% is actually better for your body because the stress of trying to be perfect. I've got to have a perfect diet, I've got to work out every day, I've got to monitor how I think. That's quite stressful to the body because the body doesn't want perfection, it wants direction. Perfection is not required, direction is essential. So when you wake up and have an off day, direct your brain, I'm having an off day tomorrow, I'll bounce back. I'm having an off moment. Tomorrow I'll just be back to normal. And it's fine to take a day off or week off.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:17

It really is. I I've had to give myself permission now to slow down and take days off because I was kind of brought up in this culture of that you need to train five, six times a week. That's not true, you need to eat uh dried chicken, broccoli, rice to get in great shape.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:29

And now, and the more difficult it is, the more likely you are. So if you go, okay, I'm never ever having sugar again, ever, ever, ever, no more sugar for the rest of my life. The stress of trying to keep that going is so hard. If you said I only have sugar once a week, and I actually don't have refined sugar, I f I eat those hoobars or something else, that's much easier. So when you give yourself a really impossible goal, I'm gonna work out seven days a week, every day, but the whole year, that's really hard. If you say five days, I can have two days off. So if you want to be unhappy and lonely, try to be perfect, that will fast track and guarantee.

SPEAKER_03 1:01:06

And that's what I mean. Now I'm training less. Yeah, I'm prioritizing my sleep. Yeah, I'm looking after myself, and 80% is fine. And I'm getting better results.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:14

Of course you are, which is crazy. Because you're a human, you know. You don't want the people who would try for perfection are always lonely. The basis of all friendship is we choose people who share our vulnerabilities. So imagine if you have no vulnerabilities. Who are your friends? Who are you gonna marry? How are you gonna mess up your kids because you're now perfect? I mean, it can't happen because it doesn't exist. But the thing is, you can't be perfect, you're a flawed person having flawed relationships with flawed people. So instead, say I'm flawsome. Flawsome is a great place to be. Yeah, I do too, because it means you can like me in spite of my flaws, and I can like you in spite of your flaws, because we're flawsome. We're all flawed people having flawed relationships. Flawsome is very kind and we're connected, but perfect is very, very lonely.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:01

Yeah, you're right. You're so right. And I think for me, I want to be the guy that kind of normalizes balance. I've got my only tattoo which says balance, and it's so it sounds so weird. In the world we live in, actually, and I talk a lot about living life in the middle lane because I spent the majority of my life living in extreme highs or extreme lows that when I was in the middle lane, I didn't really know how to be. Whereas now I've realized that actually being content in the middle lane on a day-to-day basis means I'm still gonna get to where I want to get to, but I'm not burning out or stressing out along the way. And I just want to be the guy that makes balance.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:33

Because you're a human being, not a human doing. And if you go and hang out with tribes, even if you have cats, you'll notice that they spend a lot of time just being. You know, I've hung out with lots of tribes and they spend hours doing nothing at all. They don't have the guy, I should, could have, shoulda, would or I should be studying, working out. They're they're not like that. I mean, look at a lion. Do you think they have any guilt? They just lie around, they have a bit of hunting, but on the whole, they are a being. So we are human beings, not human doings. That means be as much as you do. And I'm just gonna end on one thing. Everything we do is to be safe. You know, human beings are wired. Your brain doesn't care if you're happy, it really cares if you're safe. And so working out, paying attention to our diet, finding love, all things designed to make us feel safe. But if you start to say, I'm safe, I got a safe state of mind, I live in a safe world, I feel safe. You know, when I was in Dubai last month and all the missiles were going off, it was interesting because my next neighbor was sitting on the roof watching them like it was bonfire, like having a great time. But my other neighbor was in their wardrobe with mattresses up against the wall because they were so scared. And I thought, isn't that funny? One person is on the roof with a shinotonic, watching it all, thinking this is so exciting. The other one is locked in a cupboard, having um freaking out, because it's never what happens, it's how you deal with it. And in a world where there's so much going on, if you can say I'm enough and I'm safe, the more you can give your mind that I'm safe. So I'm safe to find love, I don't have to earn it, I'm safe to be myself, I don't have to be anyone else. I'm safe to walk through the world just being me. Because everything we're trying to control other people is to make us feel safe. But safety is really a state of mind, which is why some people can walk with lions, some people can, you know, swim with crocodiles. I I would never do that. I've done the walking with lions, but it really is that state of mind of how safe do you think you are. You can get so anxious about nothing.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:32

I think that's been my biggest superpower, just being my true self.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:35

Yeah, be a true self.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:37

And knowing I can walk into any room and not feel like I have to perform. And I think a lot of us are wearing these masks. I even wore a mask when I came out at Happy Place Festival to the talk, just to really symbolize like how I spent most of my life. And the fact that now I can take that off.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:52

Well, it's like taking the glasses or taking off the filter.

SPEAKER_03 1:04:55

Yeah, I just feel so.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:56

Did you like that when you were thinking of yourself as an arrow and not a bow? What was that like?

SPEAKER_03 1:05:02

It just gave me that feeling that I was moving with momentum.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:04

Yeah. Um because an arrow can never go back.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:08

Yes. And I just felt you kind of felt freeing because it was like, it's what I do from here.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:14

It's not about what I did back then.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:17

So just remember, you can never change what's behind you. Nobody can change what's behind them, but you can change what's in front of you the rest of your life if you just change what's inside you. And that is the thoughts you think, the pictures you make in your head, the words you construct, the beliefs you hold, and the decisions you make. You get to control all of that. So thank you for coming. You've been an amazing guest.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:40

That's been an eye-opener. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:42

Well, keep that little boy with you and remember, you're enough, you're safe. And you're phenomenal, too.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:49

No, thank you so much. I think this came at a good time because I I've done a a lot of work on myself and I'm proud of that, but I think this the work never stops.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:57

Yeah, well, it that's because you're calling it work. You see, again, there's a lot of energy to work, so maybe think of a different word for work. I've I've done some great stuff on myself because work is kind of never ending. We've got to be aware of the energy of words, and work isn't always a good word.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:13

Okay. I'll I'll do some.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:16

I'll do some.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:17

You said I've done some fun things.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:19

I've had fun doing a few things.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:22

Which I'm actually really proud of is I'm actually falling in process fall in love with the process of doing the work. Okay, like if it because this doesn't feel like work.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:31

But if it doesn't feel like work, don't call it work.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:33

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:33

Just you'll find another word.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:34

There's levels to this, I like you.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:36

Yeah, but some words have very bad energies. Like when people give birth and they call it labor pains. You should never call it labor pains. And you should never say, I'm trying, trying to fall asleep. I mean, that that the brain doesn't understand any of that. Trying implies failure. We're all born with a great fear of falling. So in that word trying to fall asleep, two of the four words are completely incorrect. You say sleep's coming to me. So just learn to talk to your brain better, and it will you'll get much better results.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:06

Sleep's coming to me, I like that.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:07

It's like if you say I'm trying to fall pregnant. Well, that is really confusing. First of all, the word trying implies failure. Falling is one of our greatest fears. You know, we're born with a fear of falling back, which is when you pick up a little baby, they do the free falling. And pregnant, well, that doesn't mean you're you can have eight pregnancies and never have a baby. So trying to fall pregnant doesn't tell your brain for a minute that you want a baby. If you say I'm making a perfect baby, I'm conceiving and carrying a perfect baby right now. The brain goes, Oh, I get that. That's so clear, we're gonna action it. Trying to fall pregnant, it doesn't know what that even is. So you've got to be very directional with your words. So I would say, don't say doing the work, say having fun becoming the best version of me.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:50

Oh, I like it. My job.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:52

Yeah, having fun becoming the best version of you. I really am is much better than doing the work. And we can all find and change the words because I love this expression, words are the thread on which you string your every experience. And if you're stringing the word work onto your thread, that's probably not an asset for you. But if you say having fun, it is.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:12

I like it. I love it. I love it. Thank you so much for it. Thank you so much, thank you. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:18

I'm going to sign this to you, and I'd love you to give me some feedback when you've read it.